We were going to hire this guy until....

We have been looking for an outside consultant to help review Zach's program. We were considering a few semi-local people. There was this one dude in Binghamton that I thought might work out. Then I found this article:

How Many Therapies Does it Take to Treat Autism?

April 17, 2009 by Claudia Wallis

Raymond Romanzyck

Apparently more than 400. According to a survey conducted last summer by psychologist Raymond Romanczyk and his graduate students at the Institute for Child Development at Binghamton University, there were 414 different types of autism therapy described, promoted or cited on 16 major websites (including Autism Speaks, CDC, Wikipedia, Autism Society of America). By now, he said in a lively and provocative talk at today’s Mind & Body in Autism conference at Teachers’ College, Columbia, there are doubtless even more. To add to the confusion, the ones that come up most often in online searches tend to be those with the weakest research base: special diets, art therapy and the like. In an evaluation, Romanczyk’s team found that fewer than a quarter of these treatments had any kind of evidence base. The internet is essentially worthless” to families looking for good information on autism treatment, says Romanczyk.

I was not impressed. I rattled off the following response and commented on the website where I found the article:
I highly disagree with the worth of the Internet for a family who has a child with autism. Things the “experts” are not considering:
1) It takes 6 months to get in to an “expert” for initial diagnosis, early intervention is critical, a family needs information in that absence of that professional.
2) You do get an appointment with a professional, and that’s it. You are not provided a prescription or recommendation for treatment options, or are not given specific enough information.
3) You have your diagnosis, and recommendations, but you have no idea how to get the resources you need in place. to obtain said treatment.
4) There are professionals who believe in a one-size fits all approach even though no two children on the spectrum are alike.
5)Professionals want families to only try scientifically validated treatments when so few treatment options are validated, and those options are limited in availability and outcome.
6) Autism is a snowflake disease - what works for one child’s particular symptoms may not work for another. Has anyone considered no single cause/no single cure?
7) How do you create a control group of autistic kids? As the saying goes: “You meet one kid with ASD, you have met one kid with ASD.”
8) I am all about ABA - but without some of the other treatments, we know that our son would not have come as far as he has. It is anecdotal, but these commonly referred to as “alternative methods” are evidence based - indeed we have tried various treatments and carefully noted what appeared to help and what didn’t. We used a risk assessment and studied ARI information, discussed with professional (MDs, therapists, PhDs) before attempting and carefully documented any noticeable affects after starting. We did not notify therapists to see if they would comment on his performance during sessions (blind test). We also sometimes stop a treatment to see if some of the previously reduced symptoms reappeared. Not absolutely scientific, but methodological.
9) There are lots of support groups with an Internet presence and these are sometimes the most invaluable resource to a family.

While the information is abundant, not necessarily concise or sometimes just out and out bizarre, I am grateful that I have Internet access to information regarding autism. We no longer live in the cave age where just to get a doctor to diagnose a child on the spectrum could take years. Judicious use of the Internet is an essential means of information gathering for our family, and if I were to hazard an unscientific guess, countless other families.

I feel the medical and psychological community are sometimes threatened by the empowerment families have that come from resources highly available on the Internet. Please do not tell a family what worth something has. Worth is a highly subjective quality - not a measurable variable on your histogram.

Tough week and still wearing diapers

Potty training has been canceled. This is definitely going to go down as one of the hardest Zach weeks we have had. All seemed OK on his first day - he actually seemed happy. But as the day wore on, and it was just me and him for the rest of the afternoon and evening - I noticed he no longer took interest in any of his toys, he wasn't complaining much, but then I realized he hadn't eaten his lunch. Then he didn't eat his dinner. No bowel movement for my kid who normally goes 2-3 times a day. Then, the worst, he wouldn't drink anything. He refused to wear his underwear.

Day number 2 was one big tantrum, plus no eating, pooping, and worst off no drinking. I was petrified that he could be getting dehydrated. After his first session I canceled the potty training. I then canceled all therapy for Wednesday. This was not going anywhere close to what I anticipated, and I had no idea how to handle it.

After a day off to ward off the trauma, a trip to McDonalds for apple slices and french fries dinally got the kid at least eating. Later on, he drank, from a regular cup with a straw. Still no BM.

This is a key difference between NT and ASD - potty training doesn't work with a NT kid, you keep on trying, ask the kid why not, and move on. Perhaps you decide to stick with it and push harder, perhaps you decide to try again later. Now potty training with a kid with ASD: uh, it doesn't work, and now you have added a whole host of issues plus you still don't have a kid who is potty trained, and he cannot explain at all what is going on. Then the stories of kids who were 15 and still not potty trained came from a therapist. Disappointment, injury, and fear.

This is my life now - no work to run off to so that I can have a little time away from this - to thik in my own head, not hear the crying and tantrums, not stare at his beautiful face and think about him taking a poop, not wondering how I am going to afford all these therapists if this behavior stuff continues.

Zach is still pretty young - 2 and 9 months. However, in order to enroll Zach in a traditional preschool, he would need to be potty trained. So that brings us back to the what are we doing for Zach - a institutional program (school) or a home program (where we can add in a traditional preschool). Monday we go to visit the program we are considering again - this time with Zach. This feels like it could single-handedly be the most important decision we will make regarding Zach's future. I don't know if that is true, but boy, it sure feels that way. I mean it REALLY feels this way.

The stress is so thick all the time, and it is there ALL the time. Everything I am reading is indicating we will get to enjoy at least 3 years of this. Why three years? According to what I have been reading, when he turns 5, we will have a better indication of how the autism has manifested itself. Then the ever present question of where on the spectrum he falls will likely be able to be answered.

At another family gathering this weekend, Zach behaved pretty well. No one likely picked up on what a tough this week this was, although I mentioned it briefly. Lets see how the rest of the weekend goes.

Hope is taking quite a beating lately.

Picnic with the cousins and Potty Training has begun

This week was an OK week for Zach. He is sleeping through the night although he still goes to bed awfully late. He sleeps in late and one of the therapist calls him a teenager because of his sleeping habits. I feel lucky that he sleeps through the night - I just wish we could get him to go to bed on his own.

He met 3 targets this week, slower then the week of 12 targets, but better than 0 like last week. We believe that getting back on his supplement regiment and back in to a more routing schedule has helped.

Had Zach's meeting with the county to review his IFSP - Individualized Family Service Plane. I don't think we requested any changes although I think you know what happened to our respite.

We had a family picnic on Sunday while cousins from Massachusetts were visiting. Zach was shy and sat in my lap at first (make that the first hour and a half) but then he seemed to warm up - even singing several of the words to You are My Sunshine and letting my cousin Karen play with him and pick him up. It was really terrific.

We have begun potty training today. We are basically ambushing the little guy and he hasn't left the second story of our house all day. He also hasn't pooped all day which is extremely unlike him and has me very concerned. I don't think he is getting the potty training stuff yet and actually am pretty frazzled from sitting in the hallway upstairs most of the afternoon and evening. How come it sounded good in planning, but the execution is much harder?

How does a kids with ASD learn to go potty? They have very limited receptive and expressive language and limited imitation skills. It's all rewarding for when he gets it right. That wasn't too often today.

Tris stuff sort of wears me out. Thank God one of the therapists sent me the following message today:

Oh, I forgot to tell you, and maybe it will brighten your day...but Zach was singing a part of the Blues Clues song, and he kept pointing to his head and saying "think...think...thiiink"

Getting taken for a ride and obsessions

We have been waiting for respite services for over 2 months. I was told the turn around time was 2 weeks. I keep on getting the run around. I was told at a meeting the other day we likely will not receive this. I hired privately a college student to help us out for the summer after I was told that if I bring someone to the agency that they could have her on their payroll within 2 weeks and could offer her services to us for a few hours a week. It has been 8 weeks, they have had this poor girl jump through every hoop their could be (fingerprinting, interviews, TB testing, paperwork) and I still have yet to hear anything despite several contacts.

For those of you who are in the "thank God I don't have a kid with a disability" camp - please realize that when you think a family that has a child with a disability receives assistance - that they probably receive SOMETHING - but not was is promised and that they likely have to yell and kick and scream to receive what they do. This isn't always the case of course, but it is more the rule than the exception for the anecdotal evidence I have seen. I can remember driving by a child in the neighborhood who is wheelchair bound and thinking about who helps bathe the child and all the other tasks. I remember thinking that they probably get a lot of help - and they may. I wonder if Zach's issues were more physically/visually manifested if that would help us to get help. Sort of reminds me of a rape victim who doesn't fight back and doesn't get bruised - does she receive the same pity as one who gets the snot beat out of her. Should their be a difference?

Anyhow - Zach's progress has slowed again - we are attributing it to the lack of consistency in schedule since one of the therapists has been out quite a bit lately. This therapist initially had taken 8 days vacation. Now, the poor girl's house caught on fire while she was away, and she is dealing with that situation. This is a huge impact on Zach. I have had the private therapist coming twice a day to help keep the hours up. Zach just loves Ali - I mean seriously loves her! She told me she thinks he has a crush on her. While he is not meeting some of his educational targets, his behavior is absolutely outstanding when she is around - great eye contact, he engages with her, and has little if any transition issues from being with her and then being with me. I just don't want this girl to leave. She has the Midas touch with my boy.

He is saying "bye", "bye-bye" and "goodbye" on his own now. It is funny how he doesn't use just one phrase. It is also funny when he uses it when a therapist walks in the door - as if to say "go away".

For the past few weeks, Zach has become Thomas obsessed once again. he wen through this awhile back. He doesn't just want to watch the videos, or play with his train sets, he walks around holding his trains wherever he goes. I noticed his interest in his baby blanket has diminished quite a but when this obsession hit, and am wondering - could this be his new transition object (also known as a lovey)?

Working on riding his trike, trying to get him to gesture for "yes" and "no", and next week may commennce the potty training. So that is what is on the docket for now. Thanks for reading.

Long Time Between posts

Having a bit of a hard time - so haven't been able to post a lot. Too many transitions for me to handle right now.

Fireproof and High Flying Without a Net

WARNING: This post is personal and does not track Zachary' progress. Feel free to skip it if you are not interested or embarrassed about the content.

Fireproof - the movie. I watched it, Steve didn't. I kept on hearing what a great movie it was. This movie wasn't quite the inspiration I was hoping for.

What is Fireproof? It's a Christian movie starring Kirk Cameron from the 1980's TV show Growing Pains. Mr. Cameron plays a fire chief in a failing marriage, primarily due to his own neglect, who is guided by his father to attempt a 40-day experiment designed to teach the meaning of marriage commitment. The experiment consists primarily of performing a series of unselfish tasks each day.

You were only shown a snippet of these tasks. They refer you to a website for further information. If you go to the website, you are then referred to various products - buy these books, buy the DVD, buy the soundtrack, how about a t-shirt? No where that I could find is the content of this experiment. One must pay to get this. What a terrific marketing idea. It felt very contrived to me. And not particularly Christian.

I have little issue with the theme of this movie - in fact, with the trials and tribulations of our marriage, I was seriously hoping to see or hear something that I could take to my own marriage. Unfortunately, there was very little that way. I was well aware of the basic concept of performing tasks for our spouse without having something in return in mind. Guess I gotta buy the book.

The first real issues that Steve and I ever had in our marriage came right after the birth of Sophia. What a surprise right? It was a really tough time for us and for me personally. I found the transition to motherhood, particularly of a colicky baby, very difficult. (One of the reasons I promote for couples not to wait until their 30's to have children since I believe that I was really set in my ways which added to the difficulty of becoming a parent.) I was very angry with Steve - and if I rattled off my complaints, many of you would likely agree I had just reason to be. But being right isn't what I wanted. I wanted to be happy, and being married to the man who was the father of my children is important for me to be happy. I thought of the difficulty Steve was having of becoming a new parent. He likely had his own list of complaints about me.

This movie had some great content in it - I like the main character's work ethic, the fact they showed how pornography can affect a marriage - and the most realistic scene was of good ol' Kirk blowing his top at his wife. But he was made to be such a villain- where as the wife's transgression of becoming involved with another man was not quite put in the same light. This didn't make sense to me.

One of the things I found inspirational had nothing to do with the screenplay. I read that Kirk had his own wife dubbed into the portion of the movie where he is kissing his movie wife because he doesn't feel it is right to kiss another woman. I thought that sentiment was more endearing than some of ideas in the movie.

The movie did move me - but in ways I didn't want it to. I could not stop thinking about my father and how much I miss him when I watched it. Dad was a Syracuse fireman. He didn't talk about his job much, in fact, now that I look back, he didn't share a lot of personal information about himself to anyone. There is so much I don't know about him, that I wish I had the chance to now. I was so young, foolish, and selfish - I never asked. I theorize that some of the things I wanted to know would be difficult for him to talk about. Was he ever involved in a fire where they lost someone, maybe a child? What was his mother and father like? Was it hard to start your own family so far away from your extended family? Pops was from Georgia.

With Mom being sick and all that is going on with the kids, I realize there is no safety net in our lives right now. The honest and not so pretty truth is that Steve and I feel abandoned. We are flying on these trapeze and if we fall - splat. That's what parents are supposed to do for their kids, be the safety nets of security, even if it is just in presence alone. I need my Dad so much. He had a way about him, indescribable other than to say you felt loved. As a teenager, I could have rattled off a list of faults of my folks in 3 seconds flat. But if there is one and only one thing I know about them, it's that they were always there for me. Mom still is, despite her body failing her. I still need my dad. My kids need to know him. I miss him so much.

I can almost see Pops walking in the house knowing of Zach's special diet, carrying bags of groceries after cleaning out the gluten free aisle at Wegman's saying with his southern drawl "where's that boy". I can see Zach running to him saying Papa and smiling the biggest smile and giving him the biggest hug. I can see my Dad getting Zach to say words that none of us can because Pops just had a knack with kids. I saw my Dad with my nieces and nephews - I know how much he loved them. I want that for my kids. I hate how life is so freaking unfair. I hate that some of the things I want most I will not have in this lifetime. I hate that my heart is so heavy that I am lifeless, depressing and depressed, and stalled at getting anything accomplished for anyone. If he was around, could he help get me out of this rut?

He was a six foot three fireman - and he drank tea, and cried like a baby over anything regarding his family. He had a temper and loved food. He loved his grandkids and dogs. He liked sports and to drink a beer now and again. He loved grocery shopping and getting a deal. He converted to Catholicism as a surprise to my mother, and made each of my brothers-in-law state they would raise their kids Catholic when they asked for my sisters' hands in marriage. Sometimes when he laughed, and his accent really got strong, I couldn't understand a word he was saying, but he would get me laughing too. He knew when I was upset before anyone else, and would sit down and talk to me about it. He would tell me when I would fight with my mother that she was a good woman, and even though I was mad at her, I needed to love her, because she loved me more than I would ever know. Being a mother now, I get it.

One thing that autism and death of a parent have in common, is living with loss. Some people get over their loss easier than others. I still hurt when I think of my father. I have never become accustomed to him not being around, I have just become accustomed to the empty feeling I feel without his presence; living with a hurt so bad that once in awhile it still overwhelms me. Autism is something we are living with too - an overwhelming loss that you never get used to and that once in awhile creeps up on you, you feign that you know what you are doing, force a smile to not let them know you really want to cry, and you realize you are lost and trying to figure out what the heck to do. This moment passes, but don't worry, there will be another.

Having limited family connections is hard - the kids only get to see their Babcia Boulware regularly - usually once a week. We don't have grandparents that we can drop the kids off too. I feel more like those people I know who don't live near their families than like a person who has moved back to their hometown. I know people who have no support from their families for various reasons. This makes me so sad. It is just not the way it should be. I also know people who have these fantastic families - whose parents and siblings help out. I get so jealous of these people.

But this is the hand we have been dealt. If my Dad were here, I feel like it would be a lot easier to figure out. I feel like I could handle it. But for now, I will put my smile on my face, and just keep trying. Marriage is tough - but I really want it to work. Risk is something Steve and I usually avoid at all costs - but now it is time for us to learn risk management - what is worth attempting and isn't.

Nothing in life is guaranteed.

Double Ear Infection

You guessed it - poor little guy has an earS infection. He is dealing OK with it. He is not running a fever. I am reluctant to give him antibiotics, and his current level of infection isn't severe enough to warrant them. Off topic for a bit - why must antibiotics contain both disgusting flavoring (making it impossible to mix in with anything so he will take it) and artificial food coloring (which possibly contributes to allergies, sensitivities and behavioral issues yet poses no functionality in the efficacy of the drug)?

He still is not doing great with his therapist #1. Very disheartening. We are 3 days into the week and have accomplished no targets. Compare that to the 12 from last week. This is not making me happy. Is it the break he has had from the one therapist for 8 days? Is it the ear infection? Is it some other meaning. So sad. Feeling low energy.

Rainy Day Mondays

Today's weather in Syracuse is so much like what our life has been like this past year: sunny, rain, sunny, rain, sunny, rain. It is a roller coaster - but the catch is that you can't seem to get off this ride; it just keeps going and going. To keep up with the metaphor - let's just say I am very nauseous.

Zach had an active day yesterday - he had visitors during the day - an aunt, uncle, and cousin, then his Babcia Boulware and Aunt Lois. Later he went to dinner at his aunt and uncle's house where he proceeded to eat a big bowl of broccoli.

During his visit from his aunt, uncle, and cousin, he was extremely testy. He refused to say anything and wanted to be held by his father the whole time. When his grandma and great aunt came over later, he was much more at ease. By the evening he was all wound up and feeling his oats while at his aunt and uncle's house, running around and getting into mischief.

I realized that evening why we all the sudden received so much attention: my job loss. Apparently, my mother seems to think this is a devastating loss. It is a tough thing to handle, I admit, more so because of the loss of income than the change in my identity. I think I am OK with being a nobody SAHM. The lack of profession may make me a dull character to some, but anyone who knows me knows that I am by no means a shrinking violet. A tough hit, nonetheless, but nothing, and I mean nothing, compared to having a child with a lifelong disability.

Then came this morning. Zach went to bed fairly well after his bath last night - late but not extremely late like on other days. He slept in until almost 9:00 am! One of his therapists, who has been on vacation for 8 days, came back and all hell broke loose. I tried to attend the session in the beginning thinking that would help. Uuhh not quite. Then I left the room to see if that would help. I have never heard Zach scream and tantrum like he did during this session. He was throwing his body against the ground and his head against the wall. It took everything in my power to not run up and interrupt. By the time Zach's therapist #2 arrived, I was a bundle of nerves.

I sat in on the onset of that session too, which seemed to go a bit better. Then Sophia's sitter stopped in to tell me that Sophia had a sliver under her fingernail that she got at the playground and it was bothering her. Off I went, and off Zach went. He finally passed out when therapist #3 arrived and slept in his easy chair sitting up.

I was besides myself. Therapist #2 stuck around and told me that she would do her work from here. She told me to go out and run some errands. I didn't really want to go, but alas, we needed food.

Off to Wegman's I went. I was in such a fog that even though I had a written list of items to pick up, I was getting confused as to what I had put in the cart and what I hadn't. By the time I got into the checkout line, still in a fog, but felt that I had adequately purchased what we needed. As I scanned in my "shopper's club card", the sensor couldn't read my card and the cashier was having a hard time manually entering the card. I kept on thinking of how the therapists probably were waiting for me to get home so they could leave. I thought about Zach screaming and throwing himself. I began to cry. The cashier probably thought I was nuts to get so upset about getting my discount on my strawberries and chicken. I didn't even care that anyone saw me so distraught. I just wanted to get home to my kids.

I arrived home and Zach was still sleeping. The therapist helped me to unload the groceries from the car, I told her what happened in Wegman's. She was so kind to me. I really needed that. She told me she could tell how shaken I was when she arrived earlier in the day. We hypothesized on what could have made him flip out so much. We talked about getting therapists to come on the weekend that might help alleviate the transition from weekend to weekday. She summed up what was likely the cause of my complete despair: we went from a phenomenal week last week, to the worst behavioral day he has ever had. In essence, I went from having my hopes raised so high, to having them dashed all in a matter of 3 days. The swing was too great for me too handle.

In the past year we have lost a grandma and a puppy, had my mother diagnosed with cancer and the aftermath of that, had Sophia diagnosed with a disability, had Zachary dxed with autism, had our car stolen, lost my job, and had some health issues - it is an awful lot to handle, and I am not doing it well, but WE are doing - Steve, Sophia, Zach and me are trying to act like life is just normal. Besides the initial few days when I realized Zach's was autistic and when Buddy passed right before Christmas, I have really not cried. Ask Steve, I really haven't. I didn't cry when the doctor first gave Zach his diagnosis. I didn't cry when it was confirmed by a second or third doctor. That is why the few tears I shed in Wegman's were a bit of a surprise to me. I thought we had found a way to redefine normal for our life.

But alas it isn't. I thought back to the true impetus to my tears in Wegman's; two young women standing behind me in Wegman's discussing life's trials and tribulations. This is what was plaguing these two women: her brother-in-law's boat died right before the fourth of July and ruined their holiday, and the other woman was complaining about the fact that getting her hard wood floor refinished was taking longer than the guy told her. I admit it, I was feeling sorry for myself in a big way. I wish I could go back to when things like that were my biggest worries. I don't want to wake up with this weight on my chest anymore. I want to wake up and Zach is talking, smiling, interacting. I want to feel that the future, although uncertain, has no limitations. I want my boy to tell me he loves me, or at least that he has a boo boo. Is that so much to ask?

I hate the pity party I am stuck in right now - it isn't going to do anyone any good. It will only drive people away from me. Who wants to listen to someone bitch and moan all the time - regardless of if they have something to b&m about. No one wants to be around that.

I don't want him to tantrum anymore. I want him to work hard, to progress - like he was last week. Maybe that is why the layoff wasn't bothering me so much - he did so well. Today's post is a little gloomy. It was a rough day to handle. I think my pity party has subsided, at least I am not crying over discounts on produce.

Here's hoping that there is no repeat performance for Zach tomorrow. I really don't want to prefer to be at work.

Team Meeting

Our one therapist L. is out of town right now. Wasn't exactly tickled with the fact that she notified us last minute about an 8 day vacation, but alas, we have a summer therapist who was available to come twice a day and it has actually worked great - although it has cost us more.

Steve had Friday off from work, and we totally forgot that we had rescheduled the team meetings to Friday afternoons from Wednesday nights. We had gone out for a run in the morning together and alone for the first time in a while - it was really nice. We ran over to my mother's home (around 2.4 miles), gave her the news about the layoff, assured her that the sky was not falling and talked politics for a bit, and then ran back home.

When we arrived, our driveway was filled with vehicles. The SLP came up and asked us if we were still having the team meeting - oops! Forgot. Sure we'll have it after your session. Steve made a quick call in for pizza (we try and have food at the meetings) and an hour later the 7 of us sat down and talked.

First order of business is Potty Time 2009. This one time only event will begin July 20 and finish not too long after if my wishes are to come true. I feel so lucky that I will be getting help potty training Zach. We are basically gonna ambush the little guy and be all about the potty until he gets it. I am so excited and curious how this is going to work. However, our lead therapist has assured me it can, and will, be done. Most training books emphasize the need for the kids to be pretty verbal to do this. It will be something to witness for sure.We sure could use the extra $ - diapers are very expensive!

The other order of business was the number of targets in Zach's program that he "mastered" this past week. Our lead therapist rattled them off - Zach completed 11 targets this past week!
If you are wondering what a target is - I'll try and give you an idea: one of Zach's targets was to match a picture of a ball to another picture of a ball. The trick is that neither of the balls were the same type of ball. Zach was given a picture of a ball(say a tennis ball)l, then 3 or 4 pictures of other objects were placed before him (basketball, dog, shoe, cat) and Zach was asked to match the ball to the other ball. This is abstracting the notion of ball since he isn't matching the same exact pictures- and he did it just great. This was so exciting.

We are trying not to live in fear anymore - we are going out with Zach in public, and reprimanding him for meltdown like behavior. For awhile, we were hesitatnt to attempt such things. It's hard because so many places offer food that he cannot have, and we have to deny both kids this part of the pleasure. We don't know if there will be some trigger to his tantrums that we cannot anticipate. And then I know that the general public will likely look at us like we are bad parents if he does throw a fit. I realized this was just promoting the behavior we didn't want. Last week we went canoeing and this week was miniature golfing. Steve and I decided that Sophie is sometimes more of a handful than Zach on these outings! I hope doing these things promotes our family unity and lets Zach know we have high expectations for him.

Upon leaving SRC, I notified a bunch of the people that meant a lot to me. The one mother that I recently blogged about sent me a note back thast I have to share with others - it sent shivers down my arms, and tears to my eyes.

My daughter had her moving up ceremony this morning (moving into middle school). She received an award for best sportsmanship but it was the certificate she earned reading 25 books this year that she was most proud of. She told me she didn’t know if she could do it. The kid who barely said 3 word sentences when entering kindergarten, read 25 books this year. Success is in every child’s reach.

I really appreciated hearing that. I am tearing again as I read it. I love to see these children succeed. These triumphs mean so much more when you know what it took to accomplish them.

Happy 4th to everyone. God bless our great country.

23 years

I was driving to work last week with Steve, and it was a beautiful day. I kept on thinking throughout the drive in to work: "I wish I could be home with the kids." I think about this from time to time, and lately more frequently. I dared not say anything to Steve; in our economic state, we need the money.

It figures, I write a recent post about my job situation, and poof, in a New York minute, everything changes.

Hard economic times for a lot of people these days. We always felt blessed that way, and were so appreciative that we could afford all the private therapists and uncovered doctor's expenses. Now we are going to be scrambling a bit.

I was brought into a manager's office and was told he was being forced to either make me change my status to full time or lay me off. Working full time would be great for us financially, but I do not think I could handle it in all honesty. I waited to see Steve and we discussed it briefly. We decided I would get laid off and figure things out from there.

I have been working for 23 years - although before my first taxable job at JC Penney's, I babysat and had a paper route. But according to social security records, 1986 is when it all began. I worked my way through college, and have held a professional job since after college. This is such a strange feeling to not be working.

In a way, it is a relief for me personally. I was working for the paycheck alone, as a few of my last assignments were making me feel less and less interested in my job. The group I had fallen into had started doing work that less than inspired me, in fact, I found it mundane and questioned the importance of what they claimed they were shooting for.

I had never wanted to work for a defense contractor, but alas when I moved back to Syracuse, how much of a choice did I have as an engineer? Lockheed, Sensis, Anaren, and SRC. Hmmm. At SRC I was allowed to work on things that didn't blow people up, and in fact may have saved lives, and that was the reason I chose them over my other offers.

I wonder if my previous job at GM is still even there. Would I have been laid off from there had I stuck around?

If it weren't for all the costs for Zach's therapy, I would actually probably be excited about the chance to renew myself and my aspirations. But at $500 a week in costs, I am not feeling the joy of liberation right now. I am more in shock, and have yet to determine a workable budget for the family, out of procrastination - make that fear. It aint gonna be pretty. I wonder how long it will be before we say goodbye to savings, and probably my retirement too. *sigh*

It will likely take me a few weeks to digest and come up with a plan of action. I would play the lottery if it wasn't for all the outstanding luck I have.

So now you know why I haven't been posting - I guess my state of shock in combination with trying to figure out how I can make this benefit Zach has kept me hopping. I also didn't know whether or not it was news worthy - but alas, it does make a huge impact on the family, so I guess it is.

I went to a birthday party at Mohegan Manor last evening with Steve, and was asked what my line of work was. I am a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) now. I wonder if that will make me less than interesting to many. Probably. I never realized until that moment how much of my identity was associated with my career. I did spend an awful lot of time pursuing my education, and then a lot of time was spent working. Will I go back to engineering?

Sophia starts kindergarten in the fall - I am so excited to have this time with her. And will Zach start school this fall? This is the time to figure this out. Life may actually be a bit more in balance now.

23 years of working with/for a paycheck, now I will be working with/for my children. Life can change on a dime, and it has once again. What a wild ride this is.