CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop the world, I want to get off. The rate at which it is spinning is beyond what I can keep up with.

I was caught, rather off guard, when yesterday, with the normal craziness ensuing, I crashed. Tears running with almost no impetus, feeling despair, my blues and seasonal depression had turned categorically into something different. I was most confused by the timing of this event - nothing specifically had happened. In fact, it was our normal lunacy which I will go into below. Steve finally summed it up best I think when he responded with my what is happening remark with a - "You are spent."

I was recently asked by someone if I worked full time. I had no patience with this question, and said "I work more than full time." I knew what they meant, but I am really tired of SAHM (stay at home mothers) feeling the implication of their work not being significant on the mere difference being that we don't get a W-2 for it come time January.

Amongst the craziness now: I finished taking a class on tax preparation and found out that the job pays $8.50/hour. Seriously??? I knew I wasn't going to be making the money of my old electrical engineering days, especially for just working part time seasonally, but I found this a little too little.

The holidays are always a pressure cooker. So many expectations, so much work to try and meet those. Getting out shopping is one of the most difficult things for me. I have to be present for the therapists, and then there are those pesky after school activities, doctors appointments, and other commitments.

Can't I catch a break? Well, no. Our respite night was canceled due to weather and I was so-o-o looking forward to doing the shopping then. Did mention the 4 feet of snow we got in a week?

Speaking of things canceling/leaving/not happening: The medicaid service coordinator called - she is leaving us. Yes - Zach has supplemental insurance of Medicaid. There are major layoffs at the state level for the DSO. We have yet to get anything more than 3 copays paid for a grand total of $30 by the plan. Hee haw. Need I do the math to discuss our personal costs? Doesn't seem like it matters anymore, or that it ever did for that matter.

My mother - well she is not feeling as well as she has been. A trip to the neurosurgeon showed that the tumor on her spine (noncancerous meningioma) has not changed - so that is likely not the cause of her discomfort. Two cysts on her wrists will be attended to next week - along with the what the oncologist believes to be skin cancer on her legs. When she told me this - I knew that I was the only one she had told. A question to my sister and I realized I was correct in my assumption.

Many events to take the kids to - Lights on the Lake, Santa party for at a bounce house, holiday get togethers. There is this sort of pressure to get Zach out of the house and socialized. Therapy is going fairly well, but Zach has begun peeing all over the house. Is it behavior? Is there something medically going on?

Sophie - they have begun some interventions in the classroom - have I gotten in to see them? No. Flushed with guilt. However, we have been more attentive at home with drills and working on reading skills.

Keeping Zach's program rolling is fairly time consuming - lots of paperwork and administrivia to manage his program. 7 bodies walking in and out of the house on a daily basis.

Sleep - well what can I tell you. It could be worse, I suppose, but it also could be better. I have a call in to the GI doctor to make sure they are OK with me giving melatonin to him. I think I am ready to try it. Some say it works wonders....

I miss my Dad. This is the time of year when he had his heart attack. We were all out at a bar in December together as family. I remember every minute of it. I would give anything to see him. Especially with my children.

A recent event for parents wasn't even a break - as we entered a comedy club to take in the show, I see the guy who sexually assaulted me as a teenager. I have to sit there through the event and pretend to enjoy myself. We drove a friend, another mother, to the event. I just wanted to hightail it out of there - and she wanted to chit chat with the other parents after the show. I didn't even tell Steve until we were on our way home. As much as it was a shock to see him, I realized how it paled in comparison to some of the stuff we have been going through with our children. However, I also realized that, for this woman, some things will always stick with me.

The Christmas party for Steve's company was another awkward occasion intended to be fun - after all they did lay me off. But I actually had a lot of friends to talk to and I am so happy that things have worked out they way they have.

Now amidst all the negative, Sophia, Babcia Morphet and I had a fantastic trip to the Big Apple where we saw the Rockettes and ate dinner at the American Girl Doll store. It was phenomenal.

The basement, while going somewhat slower now, is nearing completion.

My scare with a heart murmur/mitral valve prolapse has been put to rest.

This is our normal hectic life though. Why the crash? I have no idea.

Zach had a great day of therapy today. The tears aren't flowing as readily today. Is it based on what he is up to? I realize, only a little.

No time for a breakdown at the Morphet house. In the words of Dory from the moving "Finding Nemo": "Just keep swimming." I have Christmas shopping to do!

Zach had a no mistake day so far today in the potty training department. He also made some progress in learning how to play Candy Land. His chewing gum is going great! Hilary said he mastered some more of his programs - I haven't been able to check in awhile to see what he is formally working on. Suppose I should check his program book at some point over the weekend. No breakdown today. No tears at the thought of all that is going on.

Why yesterday? I don't know.

Looking back at all that I have just written, I am amazed how much hurt and disappointment I have had to face in my life. I am even proud of how I have handled it, or at least how I persevered through it.

When I think about it, I don't cry that often, especially compared to some of my friends. Maybe that's what happened, I stored it all up for one day. CRASH! Even the word mustard would evoke tears.