The bug

WARNING: References to bodily functions will be made.

I lie here unable to sleep as my dear daughter lies on the floor, strategically placed so that she can make a quick entrance to the bathroom. She has thrown up twice tonight. Of all nights, to let her fall asleep in bed with me, I chose this night? There was vomit everywhere, and the stench is in the air, regardless of the cleanup and Lysol products used, is just nasty. Too cold to open a window. I have left a bathroom fan on to encourage some air turnover.

She will likely be fine, but I am worried about the potential outbreak at our house. I hate hate hate when Zach becomes sick. He cannot tell me, and I just fear what it may trigger. He has shown no signs, and so I will send him off to school tomorrow. Still trying to figure out how to pick him up from school when I will have her at home to take care of. I will need to make some phone calls in the morning.

As I lie in bed, the occasional funk of Lysol/vonit through the air, unable to sleep out of stimulus and worry, I decide to drag my handy dandy laptop out. I decide this is a good time to go looking at job opportunities. As I look through the engineering positions, I cannot help but begin to feel nauseated myself. In my single days, I would love the opportunity to respond to some of these positions. Many of them are in areas where I have no experience, but I would gladly take a class, read some books, etc. on the various aspects/requirements for these jobs. But how in the world can I do that now?

It is not autism alone that has me feeling that I can commit no further than to clean up vomit and drive kids all over town to various appointments and outings. I Google "women engineering attrition" and look at some of the various studies that have been conducted, mostly on retention of female students in engineering curriculums. A new search "women engineers change career" gave me a little more data that I was looking for. I have a strong feeling I may never re-enter the engineering workforce again. I look at the job posts and I fear that not only will I lose the ability to keep skills current, but moreso that my confidence will never be what it was 15 years ago. If there was one thing that I know hindered my at my job, it was lacking the bravado of many of my peers.

Since becoming a mother, I have had a particular problem not letting my personal life interfere with my job; work/life balance issues plus what is referred to as "presenteeism". I think that the special needs stuff certainly played into this quite a bit. Mom and the cancer didn't help. And then the tedious nature of the round the clock, constant attending to the kids and the special needs stuff, has dulled my blade and dampened my enthusiasm in most things. There is little thriving around here, more like surviving. That just feels so negative!

I found out I will likely not have unemployment benefits by the end of February. If there is one thing that worries me, regardless of the situation, it is finances. I feel so vulnerable without the security of two incomes. I feel useless since my income created so many opportunities for our family.

Perhaps if I felt better about my parenting skills, and my ability to be more effective with Zachary, I would not have this worthless feeling. I know what I am doing is meaningful and worthwhile, I am just not sure how effective I am at doing it.

Cleaning puke at 3 in the morning, and toilets and everything else on a daily basis, is certainly sapping the energy from this ol' gray mare. I keep on using my running analogies, that this is a hard run (no fault of my own) and that I need to keep on putting one foot in front of the other and try not to walk too much while I complete this portion of the race. I keep on hoping for better days.

I am so confused about Zach. I have seen all these other little ones take off in their language development that are also on the spectrum. We are doing the therapy, the school, working with him myself, taking care of his medical issues, getting him rest, nutritious food, opportunity for play, exposure to others and the world, and loving him through all of it with smiles, hugs, and kisses. We only get a nugget here and there. His latest thing? "I wish, I wish". He keeps on "wishing". I think the Care Bears Movie has had its impact on him. I laugh that this is what he picked up on from the movie. I wish I knew what he was wishing for... So many books I have read seemed to indicate that language, once begun with some rudimentary words for requests and labeling nouns and verbs, usually picks up a lot of speed. Zach is just not picking up the speed. Its like walking through knee deep mud.

A friend whose son with ASD is doing gangbusters posts his accomplishments to her facebook page. Many people respond with comments like: "he's doing so well, because you are such a good mother." Does that mean that I suck as a mother because Zach is not making the same progress? In a way I don't care what people think. But I could certainly use more encouragement. I am having a hard time mustering the motivation to push through these days with all the vigor I had in the beginning. I have not exercised in a few months, my eating habits are horrible, and everything I do is either cleaning the house, or autism, or taking care of the kids. "My time" is when I am allowed to go grocery shopping by myself, attend a meeting (more autism...) or take care of someone else not located at our house. I am feeling weary. The grey skies and snowy roads of Syracuse are not helping. I need to snap out of this.

Steve seems to be doing OK at work, but rather sullen at home. I try to take care of as much as I can, last week even doing all the housecleaning, laundry, cooking, house management, and Zachary paperwork management items on top of taking care of the kids and the advocacy work. I encouraged him to stay late at work if he wished. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to affect his mood. I am wondering if he even noticed how I pushed myself to accomplish a lot at home to take the burden off of him. I feel my efforts are futile.

Although I have seen quotes and it surely makes sense, I cannot find any research to support the autism/80% divorce rate statistics I read about. I have been told that autism has made marriages stronger. uuhhh huh. OK. Well, all I can say is "not it". I wonder if one day we will ever like each other, let alone love each other, again. We do "love" each other in a very important sense of the word - we are both trying to take care of one another the best we know how and we are commited to our marriage. But aint no romance novels being made outta this let me tell you. Roles, obligation, work. Sounds like total drudgery, eh? I remember telling Steve to keep me laughing, and he used to, even amidst 4 months of colic. But there isn't a lot of laughter in our house lately.

And then there is my little angel - sleeping on the floor. She likely inadvertently infected someone at ballet tonight. It was "parent observation" night at ballet. Zach watched. I wondered if he got it. A fellow mom at the class told me about a Wii game called "Just Dance" and told me her learning disabled (possibly ASD) child loves it. I will likely try this out. Zach loves to dance - and it sounds fun!

Maybe that is what we need in the house ... a little more fun. I probably need a little more sleep before I start the next day. G'nite.