The Hill Set Before Us

It happened. This week. One thing after the next. Brutal.

Things had been going fine. Then the news started to roll in.
"I think I am allergic to something in your house. I am going to have to leave the team."
"I am having issues on my other job and will be leaving the area."
"I have taken a new position with another company."
"I have been asked to take a teaching position and have accepted."

And just like that, Zach's team has vanished. Well, not totally, not yet, but 4 of the 5 members are planning on leaving if they haven't already left yet. And 2 others had already left prior. (One on medical leave)

Only one word comes to mind right now: lost. A few more perhaps. Abandoned. Alone. Afraid.

On top of our abandoned ship this week, a friend and coworker of Steve's passed this week from cancer. He left two school aged children and a wife. Solemn. Grief. I decided not to tell Steve what was going on for a few days since he was already burdened.

In consolation to this news, some people have told me I am strong, resourceful, smart. I suppose I could be. I had given up thinking I was ever going to amount to much, after feeling so many have tried to make me feel like I am nothing in spite of the gifts I have been given. I have always wished to be something more in my life, and I sort of gave up on that. However, when I had children I swore no matter what it takes, I was going to do right by my children; I will make a difference in their lives if I cannot make one for anyone else. If I happen to help a few other people along the way, then I have lived my life according to my conscience and what truly brings me joy.

So somehow I have to drum up the courage to call, email, and whatever form of contact I have in my power those who might be able to help. I am trying to work with him myself.

Zach is doing OK - eye contact is greatly diminished, his verbal utterances are down too, he has a new stim - he is sort of waving his one hand while fanning his fingers, and nighttime has been tough with bedtime and some night wakings. But - he has managed to poop on the potty several times within the last few weeks - some of it even self initiated. I will take it, and use the positive energy I derive from it to do what it takes to get him the services he needs.

Sophia has strep again. Spent the day playing Chutes and Ladders, and CandyLand. Was supposed to go out with a bunch of fellow mothers and drink red wine and let loose. Didn't happen. Stayed home and filled out reimbursement checks to our insurance company instead.

I feel bad because the advocacy work I am doing always takes a hit when things like this happen. We have a fundraiser planned for next weekend, I have been working with a few families to help them with services, one family freshly diagnosed in December, and Steve and I have been working on a presentation for using the iPad with children with autism for a local agency.

Steve made it into the Who's Who of Americans - I found out this week - of course, he wasn't going to tell anyone because that is who he is. So proud of him. I'll tell everyone instead.

And that is life here in Camillus. Looking up a snowy hill to climb.