The Things You Learn in a Decade; Revisiting Our Hopes and Expectations

Twelve years ago I was alone and confused. Then came Steven. And I was no longer alone. Confused on the other hand? Well, 10 years later and I can positively attest that I am quite honestly more confused than ever. But I digress, or is that regress???

Our wedding had it's foibles; the cake, my dress, and the fact that the photographer forgot to show up, only one month after the tragedies of September 11. Yet, it was a beautiful fall day. A day of family and friends and celebration. It seems like a world away from where we are now.
Life has certainly dealt us a hand I didn't anticipate. Which made me go back and read this...

Hope and Expectations, by Leanne Boulware dated October 2001

We all dream. We have dreams of success, influence, and true love. I can remember dreaming that I would change the world.

I would engage the corporate world and be a highly accomplished engineer.

I would deal with the world’s evils and bring about some notion of peace

Perhaps I would even save the environment.

Alas, I had accepted my fate as an ordinary engineer, with simple accomplishments.

But then there was this dream of a perfect love, a soul mate. After many forlorn years of “turning over every stone” only to find dirt, and kissing frogs only to have them remain frogs, I had all but given up. I had this sense of who I was looking for, but never seemed to meet him. People told me I might be too picky, but I knew not to accept anything less. Even my father, just a month before his passing, advised me to not sell short.

I had actually gotten to the point where I prayed to God that if I was intended to be alone all my life, that he would take away the longing in my heart and the feeling that there was indeed someone out there for me. And then there was you. Little did I know that you had said your own prayer – that God bring someone to you.

So what does dreaming have to do with hopes and expectations? Well, all that I dreamed, and all that I had hoped for came true the day I met you. Life has never been the same. I know the world has not changed, but yet it all feels different. I can face the day knowing the world is not what I would like it to be, but that with you by my side, we will make it through. It doesn’t seem to matter anymore that I am not climbing corporate ladders, or solving world problems. I now see the world through another set of eyes – one that I hope to have guide me through the rest of my life – especially when my vision may become clouded with the occasional harsh reality of life.

You have made my dreams come true – and all that I can hope for in return is that I can be all that you want me to be. I will encourage you when you are tired, I will connect with you when you may tend to withdraw, I will feed you when you are hungry, and I will be by your side for everything else. In other words, I hope to be all those things that you are to me, and do all the things that you have done for me. Throughout the planning of this wedding, you have been nothing short of amazing – so now I promise you, I will see you through your Ph.D. with the same love and dedication you have shown me.

You will be a wonderful husband, I just know it. You will be a fantastic father to our children – 7 nieces and nephews who adore you already can attest to that!

Two computer geeks – analytical and pessimists – yet our favorite movie, “Lost Horizon”, is about what we both dream about “Shangri La”. That pretty much sums it up – you see – we’re both dreamers, with old souls– and we are right where we were meant to be – we are together. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for us!

So, thank you for loving me so extraordinarily. Till the end of time, my love, we will be.

That letter was written after those tragic days of Sept 11 at the request of our priest, Father Champlin who would go on to read it at our ceremony. Steve and I actually were at work and saw the plane hit the second tower together. I worked with intelligence personnel, and witnessed the feelings of responsibility for this tragedy by people who felt they should have done more. People most people don't know exist and spend their time protecting us. I see how the mothers of this world are likely in that same position - so important but yet invisible, unless the extremes are met; an unbelievable win or when tragedy strikes.

I went on to work for the Department of Homeland Security. I saw the world filled with people who had good intentions, some who were capable, some who were interested , some who were getting their years in. Such and important mission - yet the array of people in this world didn't necessarily create the best outcomes. How I have seen this with my own precious Zach and the people who have been set in place to support him. At least now I feel I have more of a voice in my concerns.

Steve did, of course, go on to complete his PhD - and even won an award for a prestigious dissertation, under the threat of me being a sugar momma and 6 months pregnant I might add. He has gone on to a great career, with presentations at conferences, awards, and the possibility of creating a technology that could make a difference.

It was easy in those early days to think of what would be; life was not yet filled with the hard work of actually doing it. Note to those contemplating marriage and family: even the best of marriages requires hard work.

Steve has seen me in my darkest hour. And he has stood by me. I am sure he thought about running away. I know I have. But he hasn't.

If we were to go off to SingleLand and he had his pick - he would likely not choose me right now. I am quite sure no one would for that matter. I am almost certifiably a flake and a loon - things are falling off my plate about as fast as they land there and I have a tendency to get involved in things I shouldn't. My recent realization is that I am not sure if this is any different than I have ever been. It's just the consequences never involved things so precious. And that is what made me realize a bit about who I am - things I am not proud of, things I am trying to address, things that Steve has seen all along, and he has tried to help, he has tried to support me, he has never chastised or humiliated me by pointing it out. He just stands with me. Every day. Facing whatever comes our way. While I can say our romantic love has certainly waned a bit in these busy, crazy times - I know that Steve and I have a connection and a friendship that will endure 'til the end of time.

He has given me the two most amazing children that have made me so happy. He has supported our family with his hard work and dedication, both in his career, and at home. He has given his children the precious gift of a strong yet nurturing self-sacrificing father.

While life has thrown us things I never in a million years would have expected, Steve has held steadfast, standing by my side. Of all the things I didn't understand and know back then, it is clear to me, that I did know a few things: namely? How to spot a good man.

Happy 10th Anniversary, Steven.