Love and marriage... and autism

Tooth #2 gone. Yup - looks like my clenching of the teeth is back; I can tell that I have shattered yet another one of my molars. When, pray tell, will I have time to get to the dentist to get this looked at let alone taken care of with a good old American cap? There is no such thing as time lately. It looks like teeth clenching (and thus teeth shattering) and finger nail biting are my forms of stress relief. I am careful about the booze and only do the occasional glass of wine. Would not want to get myself into a pickle (pun intended). I wish I could just smoke a joint. Damned security clearance.

Marriage is tough stuff. I never thought it would be easy. I never thought it could be so hard, either. There is no time for each other when you have children which I hear is very common, right? Add to that the fact that every moment of supposed free time is spent conducting research if not doing therapy with Zach or trying to give Sophia the attention she needs and deserves. Things like intimate moments or even one lousy lazy hour spent doing nothing together are a definite thing of the past. Steve and I barely speak. What is there to say to one another? This stinks.

I had read statistics when I first realized what was going on with Zach that said 85% of marriages with children with autism end in divorce. I soon realized this statistic came from nowhere - there was no conclusive study that determined this, no census data. Someone just said it one day, and it made sense, and was spread around. Autism is excruciatingly difficult to handle and adds and inordinate amount of stress to our lives.

Steve and I have had far from a perfect marriage. We were older when we married, and the two of us were quite set in our ways. By the time Sophia was born, we both felt our lives threatened by the little diaper wearing sleep stealer, and trouble began. We have never quite been totally unified since we had kids. We have somewhat different parenting styles, which created conflict. Note: This was long before the dx of ASD. This was even before Zach was born.

We were managing, and still laughing, which to me is the barometer of "is this relationship still working?" There is just too much pain and stress to laugh right now.

Now lets look at a marriage on autism (sort of like your brain on drugs). I was going to try to explain what life is like with autism, but found this entry from another blog and decided that it was a decent summary

"...[there is ] therapy galore. Then you spend your time and energy finding the best doctors, therapists, teachers. Fighting with insurance companies, school districts, and of course yourself. You deal with guilt and questions and wondering what more you could do and should do and might do. No one will watch your kid so you can go out. If you want to pay someone to watch your kid you'll be paying double what a standard family pays. You can't do anything without a huge disclaimer and explanation. You have more medical bills than you can imagine and no money to do it. Insurance doesn't cover most therapies so you sit there and wonder whether or not you can find a way to pay for therapies that are $100+ an hour out of pocket and worth every penny. Oh, money? number one cause of divorce? HUGE issue with families with autism in the picture. Did I mention those copays and medical bills? Dont' forget extra gas. Consults. Therapy tools for home. Special diets. Supplements.

Then the stress. Every day activities can flip on a dime.

This summary doesn't include our other issues - some of them typical issues of having 2 young children,jobs, a home and some of them life's little crisis - such as Mom's lung cancer and hip issues, my about to lose my job, Sophia's disability, stolen cars, messy family situations, still fighting the autoimmune virus of several months. Let's just say with all the high priority things going on, our marriage is at the bottom of the to do list.

Steve and I care for each other, but we are not necessarily always the most complimentary people to one another when things get rough. Our situation feels so dire, and we have so little help, that we are clinging to one another for dear life out of necessity I am afraid, and not out of love. I never want Zach or Sophia to feel responsible for this, they most certainly are not. We were sort of off even before all this crap.

I keep on hoping that when we get to the other end of this tunnel, we will get a chance to meet one another, fresh and, hopefully, fall in love again. We can discover the people that we will have become, and hopefully really like who that person is, and commit to one another again. Right now we are committed to our family and our marriage as the skeletal support system to hold up the rest of the family body.

I remember when I realized that marriage was not about the commitment to the other person. People are faulted and will always let you down. If your commitment to another is based on your perceived notion of their commitment to you, your marriage will only work under ideal conditions. Marriage is about a commitment to the institution, not the other person. If you commit to the marriage, then even when the other person is failing, it will work out in the end. This is not to excuse bad marriages where there is abuse and complete unhappiness, these are different circumstances. I just laugh when I read that lack of communication, finances, or sex cause divorce. Steve and I should be toast if this were true. Divorce is caused more often than not because people give up. And sometimes, you should give up. Some things don't work. I hope that Steve and I come through in the end. I really do. It breaks my heart to think that all this shared experience could end up as baggage.

We need to laugh, but how does one do that when their two most treasured creatures are both going through so much life stuff. So that is why I write this blog. Sophia was an exemplary 2 year old troublemaker. She got into everything! At one point when she broke into the locked pantry, and spilled cocoa all over the kitchen floor, pantry, herself, the dog and lets not forget a few heating ducts, I thought I was going to lose it. I decided to pull out the camera instead. I snapped the picture and immediately sent it out to friends before I even cleaned the mess up. I realized that although it made me want to pull my hair out at the moment, I would likely laugh about it one day. I really want to laugh about all this one day. We need to laugh to get through this. Even when your heart is broken, things can still be funny, and you should still laugh.