Friends and pursuing lofty goals

What happens to friends? Sometimes they seem to be little Energizer Bunnies who go on and on. Sometimes they fade quickly. And sometimes they go on to a point and then fade. Does the energy that went into the relationship dissipate or does it go somewhere else?

Relationships require work - some are easier and more fluid, and of course this all depends on your circumstances. Since I basically sucked at relationships before all of this craziness, I am surprised anyone has stuck with me, especially with my definite negligence. There are a few friends I have who do not have children and probably think I am just a whiny fool - and they would be right by the way - but as I hear stories of being single and dating issues or work issues - I feel that is a world so far away from my own right now. I sometimes get nostalgic. I remember purchasing my first new car, driving down 81 speeding with the moonroof open on a beautiful morning, with my makeup perfect and music blaring, no gray hairs BTW, and a cute outfit, on my way to my job, where I would then go to grad school after work and hang out with more smart people, grab a bite on the hill, and look forward to a weekend where I would be wined and dined by a cute guy. I become a tad wistful - and then I laugh remembering that I would be jealous of friends who already had families. Of course, no one I knew at the time had a child with special needs. Would I have still been jealous?

I want others to know: as much as I rant/complain/b*tch/etc., I am happy. I am probably not very balanced. I am teetering between out of control and merely stressed - so easily. Things are sort of pushed just shy of the limit - operating at 95% duty cycle, not quite 100%, but almost. Then something unusual happens that really isn't all that bad, or sometimes is all the bad, and now the system is requiring more than 100%, and that is where we run into trouble. Life is like operating on schedule all the time, with almost no slack

If you have no idea what I am talking about, think of it this way:
Scenario 1: you give yourself 25 minutes to get to an appointment that usually takes 15 minutes to get there. The trouble is, you get behind a school bus dropping off students every 100 feet, and then there is a police check on the on-ramp to the expressway. When you arrive at your location, all the spaces in the parking lot are filled. You park illegally praying not to get a ticket, and find out when you enter, that you have been misdirected and are at the wrong location. You run back to your car, which hasn't been towed or ticketed, thankfully, only to discover the car has a flat tire. You go to call the office where your appointment is to tell them you will be late, and realize your cell phone battery has died. You then realize you left your wallet at home. And then it begins to rain.

Scenario 2: Or you give yourself 15 mintues to get to your appt and all goes smoothly.

Its a crapshoot as to how life is going to be day to day. Time is the problem with most of our circumstance. Everything we do takes triple the time it used to prior to our intervention. We live a life of exceptions: special diets, therapists, doctors appointments, research, ailments.

I have always hated the term "sandwich generation" for some resason. I am not sure why. I think there is an implication that this phenomenon of taking care of multigenerational family members is a new one - although in my ethnic family background, it is very typical. I guess I am in that circumstance right now. I am taking care of wee little ones, and have an aging widowed mother to help out with. And both the wee ones and the elders have much going on: SPD, autism, lung cancer, COPD, asthma, and a hip replacement.

Have I ever mentioned that I am not a "foot" person. If you are like me, you know what I am talking about. Feet give me the heebie jeebies. All, except cute baby feet. Sophia's feet are beginning to lose that appeal now that they are a size 1.5 ( and she is only 5!) Alright, so I am cleaning up puke, poop, snot on a regular basis, right? I can do gross stuff with ease. But my new duty to my mother is to get her orthopedic socks on in the mornings. Yes, I have to deal with old people feet. Mom doesn't read the blog - and you all better not snitch on me, but I gotta tell you, this is not a fun task for me! But I do it.

It's hard to communicate to anyone that there are so many things you do in life you do not enjoy, you do not like, and you have to do them anyway. And all these things that you really don't want to do, but know you have to do, take time. And time is limited. These things you do take away time from things you would rather be doing - like hanging with friends. But what tends to happen to me, is after Zach is off to school, Sophia is put on the bus, the visit to Mom's to take care of things like putting orthopedic socks is done, then there is housework to do, phone calls to make, paperwork to file, etc. and then Sophia is off the bus, and it's time to get Zachy from school, and then a quick lunch, and on to therapy, and the doctors appointments, ballet, dinner, homework, baths, reading, passout, and begin to do it all over again the next day.

I know a lovely young lady pursuing her degree in medicine. She is bright and talented, but her endeavor still requires her to work, and work hard. When I had the opportunity to speak with her at Thanksgiving, I realized we probably had similar lifestyles. She said she knew med school would be tough, but she didn't realize how tough. She didn't get the chance to elaborate, but I felt I could probably figure out why. It's the commitment level - it's the never ending studying. No breaks. No time for socialization or partying anymore. When you are trying to achieve something, more often than not, you have to sacrifice other things that are important to you too.

I feel honored that I can help take care of my mother and my children. It gives me a peace of mind knowing we don't have to rely on strangers to do everything. I am sure a lot of people in my life think I just don't "make the time" to do things like take care of friends. They do end up getting the short end of the stick. I do care, I still love them. In fact, I miss them. I miss my family too. I don't see them much. However, right now, I am an Olympic athlete in training. The sport? Zachary autism triage.

The good news - things are happening with Zach. Things are sort of clicking with him. He is accepting more people in his life than he ever did before. He laughs with people, will even pursue engagement with people. He still perfers people he is more familiar with. So if you want to have a relationship with Zach, realize this, this is not about the occasional "quality time". I always felt the notion of quality vs. quantity time when it came to children was interesting. People who feel that structure, planned events with their children can make up for their lack of presence are being naive. You can't force moments to happen. But then again, old school thinking of not playing with your children but jsut being around, and letting them figure out things on their own is insufficient and somewhat negligent too. Just because you are nearby your child doesn't make you present. I think of all the times when I start to tune Sophia's never-ending ramblings out, and if I did that all the time, I would surely miss some of the best philosophy of the 21st century! Zach's autism has made the notion of quantity and quality extremely clear for us. If you are just around Zach, he will tolerate your presence, but if you want him to ever come up to you, look you in the eye, and try to engage you, that is going to take some regular commitment of purposeful playing with him. Just ask his teachers who came to the house during Thanksgiving break!

Tomorrow is a big day, as you may know. We meet with the school and the county. The $25,000 question will finally be answered after much delay. The stress of this single event has been more than any final I ever took, more than any presentation I ever gave, or just about any other event I can recall from my past. Thanks to all of you who realize I do care, even though I don't often make the time to show it. I appreciate the cheering squad more than you know.