23 years

I was driving to work last week with Steve, and it was a beautiful day. I kept on thinking throughout the drive in to work: "I wish I could be home with the kids." I think about this from time to time, and lately more frequently. I dared not say anything to Steve; in our economic state, we need the money.

It figures, I write a recent post about my job situation, and poof, in a New York minute, everything changes.

Hard economic times for a lot of people these days. We always felt blessed that way, and were so appreciative that we could afford all the private therapists and uncovered doctor's expenses. Now we are going to be scrambling a bit.

I was brought into a manager's office and was told he was being forced to either make me change my status to full time or lay me off. Working full time would be great for us financially, but I do not think I could handle it in all honesty. I waited to see Steve and we discussed it briefly. We decided I would get laid off and figure things out from there.

I have been working for 23 years - although before my first taxable job at JC Penney's, I babysat and had a paper route. But according to social security records, 1986 is when it all began. I worked my way through college, and have held a professional job since after college. This is such a strange feeling to not be working.

In a way, it is a relief for me personally. I was working for the paycheck alone, as a few of my last assignments were making me feel less and less interested in my job. The group I had fallen into had started doing work that less than inspired me, in fact, I found it mundane and questioned the importance of what they claimed they were shooting for.

I had never wanted to work for a defense contractor, but alas when I moved back to Syracuse, how much of a choice did I have as an engineer? Lockheed, Sensis, Anaren, and SRC. Hmmm. At SRC I was allowed to work on things that didn't blow people up, and in fact may have saved lives, and that was the reason I chose them over my other offers.

I wonder if my previous job at GM is still even there. Would I have been laid off from there had I stuck around?

If it weren't for all the costs for Zach's therapy, I would actually probably be excited about the chance to renew myself and my aspirations. But at $500 a week in costs, I am not feeling the joy of liberation right now. I am more in shock, and have yet to determine a workable budget for the family, out of procrastination - make that fear. It aint gonna be pretty. I wonder how long it will be before we say goodbye to savings, and probably my retirement too. *sigh*

It will likely take me a few weeks to digest and come up with a plan of action. I would play the lottery if it wasn't for all the outstanding luck I have.

So now you know why I haven't been posting - I guess my state of shock in combination with trying to figure out how I can make this benefit Zach has kept me hopping. I also didn't know whether or not it was news worthy - but alas, it does make a huge impact on the family, so I guess it is.

I went to a birthday party at Mohegan Manor last evening with Steve, and was asked what my line of work was. I am a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) now. I wonder if that will make me less than interesting to many. Probably. I never realized until that moment how much of my identity was associated with my career. I did spend an awful lot of time pursuing my education, and then a lot of time was spent working. Will I go back to engineering?

Sophia starts kindergarten in the fall - I am so excited to have this time with her. And will Zach start school this fall? This is the time to figure this out. Life may actually be a bit more in balance now.

23 years of working with/for a paycheck, now I will be working with/for my children. Life can change on a dime, and it has once again. What a wild ride this is.