Loss

Just found out that a former coworker lost a son a week ago, age 5. My heart is so heavy for this family.

Their son had contracted H1N1 - although initial tests didn't show it. He ended up with pneumonia. The child had asthma - but not severe. They are still awaitng autopsy results to indicate the actual cause of death.

Before they moved from Syracuse, they gave us the little jungle gym above. I went outside and noticed the leaves had fallen off most of the trees in our backyard. The view looked so sad to me. I wonder how they will get through these times. They havd an older daughter in second grade I believe.

There are some hurts you never get over, you have to learn to live with them. Are there people out there that don't have to go through these sorts of things? Indeed, growing up, we never had these issues - there were no disabilities in our family, no children dying. My parents were grateful for things, and they gave back to the community. They tried to express how lucky we were to us, but I am afraid I frequently did not understand. My mother would recall that her grandmother had lost children to disease, etc. People go on. They act like things are normal, they have to for the sake of the others.

Feeling pain in life comes in various degrees, from discomfort to unbearable. After having children, I can tell you that things I once found unbearable, are now merely uncomfortable. Anything involving my child is overwhelmingly difficult to bear. The thought of losing my children is unfathomable beyond my comprehension of pain. I know that Zach's disability alone is difficult for me.

I know I still struggle with the grief of Zach's disability. I dropped him off to school today, and they had disco music playing. He loves music. While watching him dance, it should have brought me joy. I am afraid it actually made me sad. He rocked back and forth from one leg to the other, clearly looking like a kid with autism. I recalled a year and a half ago being in church as the organ played the "Our Father" and everyone giggling as Zach not only got the beat, but moved his little tush like an Elvis impersonator. Anytime Zach heard music he would bust a move. Now he rocks back and forth. It's quite different. I wish I could quit thinking of "What might have been".

I recently saw a story about a central New York mother who actually adopted 8 children, most of them with disabilities. She chose to have disabled children. Mother of 8 - Inspirational This is an exceptional person. I know my grief is selfish. Most of the time it is because I feel so incompetent in handling the overall situation. This woman has taken on so much, she is so important to these children and to the community at large. I hope she realizes that. I thank her for her inspiration in my own situation.

Zach is here with me, and Sophia is too. We will enjoy life. Events in life such as a child's death should make those great times just that bit sweeter.

In the meantime, I will pray for his family. I will pray for Zach. I will do my best to be sensitive to others who may be going through the most tremendous losses there can be, of their children, whether in death or disability.