The not so fun to be a father Father's Day

I have had various health issues since last July - nothing ever serious but enough to slow me down a bit. The health care professionals I deal with all know my situation, and they all attribute many of these health woes to stress. Before kids I was an avid runner, that is indeed how Steve and I spent much of our time were health and fitness sorts of things. Once I had kids, I realized how easy it would be to let this habit go because so many other things could take its place.

I was pregnant with Sophie when I decided to complete my masters. Indeed I had been done with the coursework for ages, but didn't feel inspired to do my final masters project. I threatened Steve with a "do it now or do it never" regarding finishing his dissertation for his PhD before the baby came. He too had stalled- although he had completed boatloads of research and had a dissertation already drafted. We decided as a family that he would take time off from work to finish it. He spent many a night up until 4am, and he did it. When he defended his dissertation - I was blown out of the water about his public speaking skills and how he could handle the most complex questions with ease. Steve is a very quiet man and I found this very unexpected. I realized he was a very gifted man, and humble to boot. Amazing the things you learn about a person after you are married to them...

During the PhD commencement dinner, Steve's adviser whispered to me that he had never had such an easy PhD candidate. He had done an amazing job on his PhD. Steve was given an award for his dissertation for outstanding research, and we got to take home a nice little check.

We graduated together on of all days, Mother's Day 2004.

Steve had to push me to complete my masters. I did and was glad. But alas, I felt at a crossroads in my life. Having my master's and the work that I was doing could put me on a track to more responsibility and more money. I was about to have a child. I dug deep into myself and decided I wanted to spend time with the child beyond evenings and weekends. I decided to take the first 6 months off after she was born. I also approached the company about using me in a part time capacity. They readily agreed. Don't let all the grand plans fool you; even with all these compromises, balance is never achieved.

Sophia was a colicky baby - 4 months of non-stop no causation crying. This was not the bonding time with my child that I anticipated. Steve was working two jobs at the time - his normal job, and a adjunct teaching position at SU. At some point, when my mother and mother-in-law would come to help, I would just take off and run. Sometimes I didn't feel like returning home. I always did. Just when her personality began to emerge and I started loving every moment I had with her, it was time to go back to work.

I work at a company who started off as an academic research group and has had a very flexible way with its employees. Now that the company has grown, I see some of this going away. But a group of us still take our lunch hour breaks very seriously. We run - and several of the managers at the company do too. It was good to get back to work and have this hour to myself. I got back into shape, felt better about myself, and was more productive in the afternoons. It doesn't always work out. People try and schedule meetings during this time - but there are enough of us that usually push back on this practice that it doesn't happen enough to totally infringe on this 1 hour. I have run in the rain, in the snow, in the sleet, in 97 degrees, and in -6 degrees. We trail run through wetlands and on local roads around the building. I am not a skilled runner, my pace is slow, but I readily recognized that if there ever was a habit to have, running is a good one.

Lately, I get out, maybe, once a week. Nowhere what I like, and what I need, but it's something. The doctors all tell me to "make the time" and I politely give them my address and tell them I look forward to them babysitting for me.

I began to not take care of myself, and one thing after another with my health has happened. Right now, I have a urinary tract infection which has likely gone to the kidneys. I am running a high fever, some nausea, and can barely move. My husband now has 3 children to take care of, and only a card to open. Good thing I bought it weeks ago - I am such a planner. Actually his surprise was ruined when a very special barbecue sauce out of Cordele, Georgia arrived and he found the box on the porch. It's his favorite southern style sauce and it is from the small town my Daddy is from. Hey - its better than underwear and socks, no?

He graciously took the rugrats out of the house and to the zoo. He came back with a smile on his face, and I knew that it might not be the best father's day, but it proves what a good Daddy he is.

When the returned from the zoo, Zach was fast asleep. This didn't last for long, and he came bounding into my room, likely to jump on my bed. Steve tried to stop him, to which Zach replied: "oh no!" It made me laugh. He has begun using a few word phrases that are pretty funny. The other day when I asked him to go into the therapy room with me he said "I'm coming. I'm coming." He frequently will put his head on a pillow and say "night, night".

Alas, I think I need another shot of Tylenol and my fever is climbing back up. I will post this edition in hopes that in my fever-laden mind, I haven't written anything I will regret. Happy Father's Day to all the terrific men out there who love their kids as much as Steve love's ours.