You just never know

On Tuesday of this week, a beautiful sunny day in Syracuse NY, unlike today, I went out for a run at lunchtime. I was joined by 11 other coworkers who are preparing for the upcoming 5K Corporate Challenge. As one woman and I went out, I began to talk to her to ask her what has happened to her running habit since her marathon several months ago.

We discussed the impact of kids on things like running habits. She said to me at one point, "How old are your kids?" I told her 4 and 2 - and she said: "Oh, they're little. It's hard to get out for a run when they are that age."

I thought to myself, "Oh you have no idea lady. It may never get easier." But alas, even though I think these things, I try not to put them out there, except for in this blog. The concept of one day life resuming to some more normal state just doesn't feel possible at this point. Zach has begun to get into things - the toilet, likes to turn faucets on (but only sometimes off), pulled 2 plants down on the ground and dirt was everywhere! (in my carpeted rooms of course. what a pain to clean I tell you.) Now that we have him out of his "I wanna be by myself and chill" fog, he is acting like a typical 2 year old and getting into loads of stuff. In a way I find this amusing - however, he is almost 3, will it end anytime soon? Will he continue this for a lifetime or is it a phase? No one can answer any of these questions. It makes it a bit harder to clean up the messes when you think this is what life might be like as long as you're here. I know a family who has an 8 year old child - and he smears his fecal matter and recently tried to jump out a window. I don't think I am the man for the job when I hear these stories; I am weary already, how could I take a lifetime of this?

As the run progressed, I mentioned to the other woman that I was supposed to go out running that morning with a therapist of Zach's but she couldn't make it. Somehow we started talking about daughters and when I told her Sophia has some "goofy" issues - how I try to in laymen terms describe her stuff - the other woman asked like what. I told her "she has sensory integration disorder." Joanne then said to me, " I know what that is. My daughter has PDD."
And it clicked. This woman knew exactly what I was going through. PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) is the older (yet still valid) terminology for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Needless to say, the rest of the run was spent jibber jabbering about all things autism. She is a great Mom and has really pushed for her daughter. Her daughter is bright, yet verbally somewhat delayed. Her daughter is 11 and attends a public school. She recently took a bunch of finals. Her reading comprehension is about 2 grades below where typical peers are. Her math is out of this world. Her tantrums are few, but can be out of this world too. I saw the look of despair in her eyes when discussing a family vacation and public meltdown her daughter had while on the Disney Cruise. Autistic meltdowns are not like typical meltdowns because they seem to come out of the blue. There is no obvious antecedent - and more importantly the antecedent might not be avoidable anyhow.

She said this was quite a low point for her. She is resolved to get her daughter into college - and felt that with such issues that this might not be possible.

The meltdowns of course made me think of all the ABA materials I had been reading. Right now, Zach is receiving ABA to help build skills mostly, and we document tantruming. His old tantrums used to last 40 some off minutes, I think we have them down to the 7-9 minute range now. This is because he is an early learner. However, ABA is a terrific tool for using with older children with tantrum issues too.

I mentioned ABA to Joanne, but she told me that ABA only works well with younger children. I am not sure where she got this idea from. ABA is effective regardless of age. When juxtaposed with other methods, it might appear to be for younger children, but that is the thing - it shouldn't be juxtaposed. It should be integrated with other methods if for no other reason than the data collection which can help determine what is working and what isn't. Her comment lead me to believe that someone in a trusted position told her this, and we all (OK - a few of us) know how Syracuse is regarding ABA. I recalled a CNN article I had read where a family benefited from ABA and the child was a young teenager. I know this is one case - but I have talked to therapists who have done this with older children at some of the most prestigious treatment centers in the country, it is very helpful even for older students. But alas, she knows her daughter best - and her daughter is doing well. She told me some of the ways they do things with their daughter - and in the end they are doing behavioral management with her - don't all parents?

There are others walking in my shoes out there. We all have different situations (some with higher functioning children, some lower, some just different functioning), we all try different things to help, we all have different opinions on what works. However, most of us cry the same tears of joy when something unexpected is achieved, and sorrow when a step is taken back in the old development marathon. In the end, we all love our children and want to help them.

You just never know who you are going to meet and what is going to happen on a random Tuesday lunch after your running partner cancels with you. But I suggest you keep on getting out there and trying.