Kids OK, Mom not so much

So on to the next project I go. Sort of. It's time I start concentrating efforts on the Early Identification Workshop again. It sort of took the back burner for awhile since it seemed I was running into more roadblocks than actually making progress and have no clue what it takes to get something like this going.

I spent most of the morning looking for the documentation that Upstate provided to me that needs to be completed to get the course certified as a Continuing Medical Education (CME) accredited course. This was so frustrating to me that I am so disorganized. Something so simple should not eat up over 2 hours of your time.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed, I try to attend to the backlog of emails, the heaving pile of unopened mail, the memos and notes from schools, two phones who seem to ring enough to make me not want to answer them, and then there is the school/therapy/activity schedule coupled with the doctors appointments. Plus let's not forget the quality time I am supposed to spend with the kids. The paperwork stares at me, I swear it does.

An email came at me asking to man a booth at a local resource fair for kids with disabilities that I had done last year. I figured out a way that I can bring the kids to it, meet Steve there after work, and there goes Friday night.

Then there was the phone call from the pediatrician asking to see copies of the lab work that our integrative pediatrician had done. I was told that prior to taking any next steps with Zachary, he needs these test reports. Where are those?

The memo from Zach's school indicated that there has once again been a staff change in his classroom. What is going on there?

A notice came that there will be a summer camp fair coming up that I should look into to keep Sophia occupied while we are running around with Zach. Can we afford this?

I read the first paragraph in a letter from the school district saying we need to start talking CPSE meetings to discuss ... and then I quit reading and added it to the to-do pile.

Medicaid Waiver has been approved with contingencies... 40 pages of government speak that I need to wade through to understand what this means when all I really want to know is "What are the next steps?"

Swimming lessons start this weekend for Sophia. I have a swimsuit for her, but nothing else. I am not even sure what we need, I have no paperwork on this since her friend actually signed me up for this which is extremely generous, but has left me with no clue and having t scramble to find the information on the program.

A therapist contacted me about getting Zach swim therapy. I think this would be great for Zach. However, it looks like I will have to request his OT or PT to make the recommendation and there will be paperwork and approvals, yada yada yada. Add that one on too.

Then the PT at school recommended Zach get orthotics. I called his pediatrician with this one and they were able to lickity split come up with an appointment. Then a message came from the PT saying that the appointment should be with an orthotist not an orthopedist but that I need a prescription from a doctor, blah blah blah...

And then the phone call came from the a doctor's office reminding me that Zach, Sophia and I all have appointments this afternoon.

Tomorrow is Zach's appointment with the ENT office. I have to make arrangements to get Sophia on the bus.

I log on to facebook to forget about all the stuff piling up and notice a friend's son who passed from H1N1 complications changed his profile picture to his son's. My heart sinks. Facebook is not helping.

I clean the toilets, the sinks, do the laundry, pick up the house a little, make Sophia her lunch. She gets off the bus, I force her to wash her hands, get her fed, redressed, and into the car we got to go cross town and get brother. We get brother, get the lo down on how he did, grab program books, bundle up once again, and back into the car we go to get back home to start afternoon therapy. Then there is that doctor appointment, back home to make dinner and evening therapy, start homework, my head spins. Then the phone rings, the school psychologist calls, a schoolmate of Sophie's (and classmate's sister) died at the school today from complications from a medical condition.

I feel the warm tears slowly trickle from the sides of my eyes. I rarely cry. And no, I don't have my period. For the next 3 hours, as I do homework, give baths, brush teeth, read stories, get paperwork done for the next days doctor appointment, and everything else, the tears occasionally trickle. I cannot stop them. I am overloaded, I am burned out, I am without a light at the end of the tunnel. I think of the cliches that might help me, but they don't. "Life is a journey" in particular gets to me. I think this journey has been hard and shaky for too long. But I cannot stop.

I look in the mirror, and I am disgusted. The redness around my eyes from crying sure isn't helping. Maybe that's why I don't cry that often, my vanity prevents me. I suck at all this. I don't want to feel like everything hinges on my decisions and efforts regarding Zach's future. Hey - they are even blaming my make up and hairspray. I just can't get it right. But guess what - that's what it all comes down to. They always find a way to blame it on the mother. Damn Freud.