Hit the Wall

I know I have officially hit the wall. I think I may have referred to this before, the wall is the point in running a marathon, usually mile 20, when you just totally lose all energy and strength and you feel like you cannot go any further.

Today, I lost total and all patience with Zach. His ear infection, the accompanying fever, and constant throwing up has left him extremely cranky and clingy, and you guess it, this static little being is stuck to one an only me.

Steve and I went out to dinner Friday night after our therapist L. offered to babysit for us, knowing we had not been out alone in a long, long time. We went to a restaurant only 5 minutes away. I broke my GFCF diet for this one night, and ate voraciously and happily. I felt like a whole person for the first time. I could see Steve feeling at ease like I hadn't in such a long time. It was terrific. Not used to getting much time, we were not leisurely dining although we did the full 4 course dining thing of appetizers, salads, entree and desert. We were gone for a little over an hour and a half. We came home, feeling almost giddy.

The moment we walked in the house, all bets were off, there was puke in the laundry room, Zach was wimpering, and our poor therapist L. looked worn. I felt so terrible. We didn't know what was going on at the time - and thought he had a stomach bug. It was the next day that we found out that he had a pretty nasty ear infection.

I spent that night and the next on the couch with Zach trying to tame his fever with suppositories and wet washclothes, since he refuses to swallow any medicine - even when put into drink. Needless to say, I have not slept as much as I wish.

During waking hours he cries and calls for me, and screams if anyone, including Steve, handles him. On top of it, he doesn't like for me to sit down with him, and wants me to walk around with him in my arms. It is like colic all over again - except with a 3o pounder.

Steve gave me a break yesterday, and I took Sophie to the Shoppingtown mall to go to the library and the play area. She had a blast, and I was so happy to have some one on one with her. As she was playing in the play area, a little blond boy about Zach's age came in with his older sister. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I felt knives going through my heart for the first time. I could not believe how jealous and hurt I was. After a quick jaunt to look for Easter clothing, we went home.

After another night on the couch, he clung to me like glue, not even letting me go to the bathroom without screaming this horrible scream. He coughed so much I thought he was going to choke himself. As Steve went out to run a few errands, I refused to hold Zach so I could spend some relaxing time cleaning dishes and windows, doing laundry, and sweeping the floor. Zach roared. And then it happened, he hurled all over me.

As I was cleaning up the hurl, he went into the pantry and grabbed a bag of crackers and dumped them on the floor, and smashed them to smitharenes. Pictures of the little boy from the mall kept on coming into my mind. Steve walked in the door, and was immediately dismayed at the mess he saw. Zach screamed and whined, while Sophia had her own complaints. For the first time ever, I realized I didn't like Zach - and that if this was to continue, I won't be able to handle it anymore. Constantly the screaming, no idea what he wants, trying to keep up with his messes. I guess this feeling shocked me - I couldn't believe that I was feeling resentful.

I want to have a normal kid, I will not lie. I want to feel like all will be OK with him, and that the struggles we will have will be like everyone elses. I realize so few really understand what we are going through. My house is a mess, I am doing poorly at work, I am tired and unhealthy, and working my ass off, and I have no idea if he will ever be able to tell me thanks or I love you Mom or even wipe his own butt. It is extremely unfair, and for the first time I felt it was so - up until this point, I never asked "why me" - I just felt empowered by my love for my child to do all I could for him. I am so sad at my weakness. How could I feel this way?