Tuesday was a good day for Zach. Wednesday... well... not so much. He is feeling fine. He just was very cranky during his therapy sessions. Happy as a clam when I came home. What does this mean? Is this bad? For the therapists I suppose it is. I have read so many books where parents discuss how their children were oblivious to them and to anyone else, for my own selfish reasons, I am glad he is not like that. I feel love by the way he wants me to hold him and hang out with him.
This describes a lot of Steve and me. I am a huggy/touchy sort of person, Steve not so much. Steve is not one to dole out compliments - no "you are beautiful", "I like it when you wear this", "you're meatloaf is better than my mom's", nothing. I have girlfriends who think this is some sort of almost emotional abuse. (too many fairytales, my friends) I dated guys who told me I was the cat's meow for years, yet Steve is the one who was "the one". Why? Two things:
1) He doesn't compliment me (this is true) , but he also does not criticize - really. He has never told me I was stupid, foolish, or WRONG. He does not point out my faults ever. (I am likely totally aware of many of them.) I know he is unusual.
2) He just wants to hang out with me and that's all I need. He does not tell us often that he loves us, but, for the most part, we all know it. This is, to me, the ultimate in demonstrative. He is there for us and just likes to hang with us. He doesn't play softball with the boys, hang out at bars with the guys, stare at a TV watching overpaid, steroid-laced athletes. He cooks us dinner, and hangs with us.
I am not sure how many other people would be comfortable in a relationship like ours. Maybe I am as unusual as Steve. Are we creating some sort of weird class of kids whose values in relationships will be so contrary to what is deemed normal that they will have difficulty cultivating their own friendships? Probably. Lord knows I was not terrific at making friends (true friends) most of my life, and if I had to place a wager, Steve wasn't Mr. Popularity either. Don't get me wrong, we both have friends - some of who have been with us for a long long time - but it is not our forte.
Will Zach have friends? This is the most bizarre question I can ponder - and probably most of you who don't have kids on the spectrum will never relate. This concept blows my mind as much as what caused Zach's autism.
So. things are not really in a steady state, but with this stomach bug continuing to plague us, I have just decided to lay low and get done what is essential right now. I cannot think - I cannot act, I can only manage to get by. So things are likely falling off my plate that I should be attending to, but I cannot worry about that right now.
In the world Steve and I work in, April 1 is mid-year filled with mid year reviews, Program Management Reviews and the like. This means we have a lot going on at work that has to be attended to. Basically, work has to get done right now, no excuses. If you have to stay late, get here early, come in on the weekends, take it home, you do it. No stress here.
Can't wait to get the report on how Zach did for today. Do I send him to school or continue the home-based program? This will be the thrust of my thoughts for the next few weeks, I am sure.
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