Good news: Zach said "Momma" (although not to me) after seeing a picture on TV of a baby and its mother. He also said "bye" and waved to the paint guy who came to give me a quote. So excited! Paint guy has 3 grandchildren around Zach's age and was probably trying to figure out what all the big hoopla was about. If he spends a few days in our house, he will likely get some clue.
I left my house and my children in the hands of complete strangers today as I did yesterday. I am oddly OK with this. I have never left my children with anyone except family up until these last few weeks. As I discussed before, I have major trust issues.
I am really counting on these women to do a good job - and I have to say - I have a good amount of confidence in them. I think one of the hardest parts of this process is knowing that someone else may be better suited to help Zach other than his mother. This goes against every maternal feeling I have. I just want to cradle him in my arms, hug him, kiss him. Giving him to someone else to evoke more functionality feels very cold at times. But these women are all loving and maternal - likely why I feel so comfortable with them. None of them are in this solely for the money - and with the rate of pay, it would not be worth it anyhow. I have seen them all embrace Zach - and better yet, I have heard them say how Zach cuddled with them and how excited they were to be cuddled with. They are becoming more than strangers.
I have never adopted a child, but I know from talking to those who have that there is no difference between the love you have for biological children vs. the adopted ones. Love is a verb, not a noun. Perhaps so is family. These women are becoming more than professionals we have hired, and even more than friends, they are becoming family. I am near tears right now - because they likely have no idea how important to us they are, that they are making the difference between us losing our minds and managing our way through, that they very possibly will make a huge difference in his life. They are Zach's (and my) cheering crowd, and sometimes that motivation means so-o-o much.
I noticed I am extremely tired all the time. As soon as I go vertical, I am out. I want to sleep a lot, and am having to push myself to concentrate and get things done. I know what this means, and a few of you out there do too, I am sure. Steve knows the seasonal blues I get, and this is likely not helping things right now. He tries to take care of things around the house that drive me crazy. He doesn't ask, he knows the scoop. I really don't want to medicate, but the things I normally would do - particularly running - aren't available to me right now. I am trying to figure out a way to get running back in to my life, because I have always found running to be my natural Prozac. Can a few of you say a prayer for me? I have so much work to do, this is not a good time to be running out of juice.
The neurologist office was being difficult (even to our pediatrician's office) and I finally received a copy of the report about his "abnormality". Steve googled term by term the report and feels that he likely is more normal than not - that the few "spikes" they refer to that are "suspicious" could likely be found on anyone's EEG. Still waiting to see if we will get an appointment to have the neurologist hopefully say the same thing.
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