So, a family birthday party was held yesterday for 6 of us! 2 nieces, a nephew, my BIL, and aunt, and myself with birthdays in the Jan16-Feb 13 range. Zach did not enjoy it initially; he barely knows who any of the people are besides me, Steve, Sophie, and my niece Melissa. So he cried a lot and held onto me for dear life. Zach needs exposure to such social situations, but the situations need to be a little more consistent for him to get much out of it. I doubt this will happen.
I feel not many people want to be around us, or at least me much. All I do is talk autism. I am hoping it is just a phase of this portion of the marathon. Most of my friends are generous and lend me their ears , a supportive comment, and a sympathetic glance. Some others in my life avoid eye contact and actually leave the room. I guess I am supposed to act like life is normal and talk politics, latest news events, and other trivia for the sake of their comfort. Sorry. I am in the heat of battle right now - didn't watch the Grammy's.
Growing up, I was the youngest of 4, with a decent disparity in age between me and my siblings. They all pretty much went through their having children phases roughly at the same time. Nearly every Sunday, my parents had the crew over for dinner, and the cousins got to spend a decent amount of time with one another. I loved having them over and the crazy ways they would destroy the house and scream and laugh. We don't get together very much anymore. Everybody going their own directions I suppose.
My brother and brother-in-law mocked the cupcakes we brought for everyone to try that Zach could eat. The recipe was from a parade magazine article, and happened to be GFCF when using margarine as opposed to butter for a substitution. Why did they have to make this out to be some sort of freak fest? Then when discussing the dirt cake recipe my sister made, and Oreo cookies were mentioned - Sophie asked what an Oreo was. Once again - strange looks from my family probably thinking - "how could they have never given the poor child an Oreo?" And me thinking, hydrogenated oil, high fructose corn, and artificial flavorings. I am such the odd man out.
So, then, the typical stories of the past surface. One I haven't heard in awhile resurfaced - the story of how when Leanne was two, the family went out to dinner and ended up calling a family friend to babysit since Leanne disrupted dinner for everyone else. ha ha ha Look at what a bad child I was. I was 2! How many people bring a 2 year old out to a nice dinner? My response was quick and simply: "Well, I guess I have my payback now." Smiles faded, eyes looked down. No one laughed. The white elephant in the room.
I spent the rest of the party on the phone with a parent of a 10 year old boy with autism who live in Massachusetts. I have been trying to get in touch with his parents for awhile so I took the call. It was like talking to myself: she was fast and furious in her speech, fairly articulate, and reasonably funny. It was good to hear a parent who was surviving this stuff. I found out that their school district paid for a one-on-0ne ABA aid for their son all the way through elementary school. They are concerned about middle school and have not idea what will happen there. Wow. Looks like we should start looking for jobs there. Wish I was kidding.
I never realized how unkind people can be - and possible myself too. As I was on therapy appointment # 3 with Zach this morning, I realized 2/3 of the way through the appt that I hard forgotten to pick up Sophie from nursery school. I rushed there like a bat out of you know where. As I literally ran into the room to get her, one of her teacher's pushed her to me purposely avoiding eye contact and not saying a word to me or Sophie. I guess she was thinking "what a bad mother - she's been late twice these past few months." I found the behavior extremely cold. Nice christian school, eh?
I immediately asked Sophie if she was upset. "No, Momma, why?"
Me to Sophie: "Do you know I love you?"
Sophie: "Of course Momma! I love you too. Where's Zachie?"
Me: "At his special school."
Sophie:"Can I go with you to get him?"
Me: "Sure. Let's roll."
She seem unfazed by the event. So apparently, I just annoyed this teacher with my transgression, and it had nothing to do with the affect on my child. Well, there goes your end of the year present lady! :)
I don't mean to complain - but I want to know how many other people out there are dealing with 2 children under 4, one dxed with ASD and receiving 20 hours of therapy a week, the other dxed with sensory disorder, a parent with cancer, no grandfathers to help out, a part time job that involves highly technical information that is used to safeguard our country, and the loss of two loved ones within the past year. Cut me some slack! I know I am forgetful lately, I know I appear slow and out of it - how many others would take this stuff in stride? I have taken myself out of all my commitments other than those that are required to take care of my family right now and I am stilling messing up. I know. It is the best I can do right now.
Most people don't know what my family is going through right now. But this is a fundamental lesson I have learned from all of this: ask people if they are OK and if they need help, don't just treat them like they are selfish or lazy no good bums. Some, indeed, might be selfish or lazy no good bums, but, I guarantee a few are just struggling with life right now and will really appreciate someone taking the time to notice and to ask.
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